What Will I Do Without You?
by RKQS12
Summary: Shuichi wakes up at a hospital and doesn't remember why he's there. His thoughts are only on Yuki. He learns a terrible truth of what happened to his love. Ryuichi wants Shuichi more than ever. Will Shuichi simply go crazy over everything? Or worse?
1. Death

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gravitation. It is owned by Maki Murakami.

-()-

The steady _beat beat _of a heart rate monitor filled the small white room. It contained nothing more than a heart rate monitor on a cart, a tall stand that held up the IV bag of clear liquid that eased the pain of the patient, and a bed with stainless white bed sheets and blankets. Beside the bed was one chair that a visitor could sit in.

The bed contained a body and it was not a pretty sight. The body was bandaged from the elbows down to its fingertips. In the bandages there was a small slit for a tube and needle to reach a blood vein to deliver the much need pain killer. The body was currently unconscious. Its face was pale and gray from weeks without sunlight. Its eyes were closed and as a whole, the body was expressionless. The one thing that was odd about the body was that it was different. The body on top of its head had bright pink hair. The person had a name and his name was Shuichi Shindou.

A nurse walked into the room soundlessly to check up on Shuichi. She took his temperature and checked his bandages. Just as she was about to leave the room, Shuichi moaned. She quickly went back to the bedside.

"Shindou-san. Are you awake?" The nurse asked. She had been Shuichi's nurse for the past two weeks and there was another nurse before her.

"Yuki..." Shuichi moaned with his eyes shut. The heart rate monitor responded with more frequent beats.

"Shindou-san." The nurse said.

"Yuki? Is that you?" He struggled to opened his eyes against the lighting. He tried to lift his arm to touch the person in front of him, to touch Eiri Yuki, his lover but more importantly his husband. Shuichi and Yuki had gotten married three years ago. Yuki stopped being mean, for the most part, and told Shuichi that he loved him. Everything was perfect, but then if everything was perfect why wasn't Yuki at his side?

"No, Shindou-san. My name is Haruka Sato--" The nurse said gently.

"I don't care! Where's my Yuki? YUKI!" Shuichi yelled. He tried to lift his arms again, but they felt like lead. It was impossible to lift or even wiggle his fingers. Shuichi blinked off his tiredness and looked at the shocked young woman. She had long, straight, black hair that surround a delicate face. Haruka Sato wore a simple blue nurses outfit and stood there simply as Shuichi surveyed her.

_She knows where Yuki is. My Yuki. _Shuichi thought. He wanted Yuki next to him not this woman.

"Where's Yuki?" Shuichi demanded. His voice was at a shout and no doubt that everyone in the hospital could hear him.

"Shindou-san, please calm down--"

"No, I want Yuki!"

"Shindou--"

Shuichi didn't just keep it at screaming anymore. Though he couldn't move his arms he used his feet and kicked the nurse to the ground. The nurse gasped in surprise and Shuichi got up. His hospital gown was plaid white and baby blue and didn't have a back. His arms hung loosely at his sides. Shuichi thought about where to first look for Yuki. The apartment stuck firmly in his mind and he just imagined his beloved Yuki in his study typing his life away at his current novel. Shuichi headed for the door and stopped only as he felt a needle go into his arm. The drugs from the syringe entered his bloodstream and worked fast. Before he knew what was happening, Shuichi blacked out.

-()-

"Sato-san, are you alright?" A voice asked. It was a female's voice.

"Yes Arima-sensai, but now I can see why the nurse before me left." Said another voice that sounded familiar.

"But Shindou-san wasn't awake when Niwa-san was his nurse." The first voice said.

"Still she was smart enough to leave. Shindou might be a great musician and popular all across Japan, but Shindou-san is crazy." The second voice said.

"It's only because of what happened to Eiri Yuki-san--"

"Yuki..." Shuichi moaned as he opened his eyes. He had listened to the doctor and nurse's conversation with interest. They thought he was crazy course everyone did when they first met him; Shuichi just took some time to get used to. "Where's Yuki?" He felt like jumping out of bed but couldn't. His body had too much drugs to make him forget the pain but also to make him tired and unable to get up out of bed again.

"Y-Yuki-san." The small figure of the nurse from earlier stood in front of Shuichi. "Yuki-san.." she repeated in small voice. She did not like to be the deliverer of bad news.

"Yuki-san isn't here." The doctor interrupted. She was in her her thirties and had shoulder length red hair with amber eyes. "Good evening, Shindou-san. My name is Yukino--"

"Yuki?" Shuichi said as his ears perked up.

"No. My name is Yukino Arima and I will--"

"Where's Yuki?" Shuichi demanded. His head pounded as he raised his voice.

"Yuki isn't here like I said. Shindou-san, you're wrists are--"

"I don't care about my wrists!" Shuichi yelled. Even though he wondered why his arms felt like brick. Yuki was a bigger concern and first the nurse avoided the issue and now this doctor who practically had the same name as Yuki wouldn't tell him either. "I want Yuki here!"

"Shindou-san, I must ask you to call down." The doctor said. Her voice was forceful and Shuichi listened to the prefect stranger. "Eiri Yuki is not your prime concern. It is for your well being and get back to good health." Shuichi opened his mouth to argue, but decided against it. If they were not going to give him the whereabouts of his precious Yuki then he would take the matter into his own hands later.

Shuichi was cooperative throughout Yukino Arima's examination on his condition. She didn't say anything else about Yuki nor about what had happened to his wrists. Shuichi was in one frame of mind which was to find Yuki at all costs. Eventually Arima and Sato left Shuichi for the night tell him that if he needed anything then he could call someone to come via a button near his head that he could press by rolling over ever so slightly.

Shuichi waited half hour after the doctor and nurse left before he started his plan. He used all his strength to pull himself out of bed and to fight off the drugs that kept him tired. He managed to hook his arm on the cold metal stand that held up his IV. Shuichi rolled it over to the door and checked to see if the coast was clear, it was. He moved down the hallway as quickly as he could without causing too much attention to himself.

He past the nurses desk and glanced at the newspaper that laid on the desk tempting him more than reading had ever had before. It was opened to the entertainment section and on the cover had a big picture of himself and Yuki.

"Shindou-san what are you doing out here?" The nurse, who was suppose to be at the desk the whole time, asked as she came back from the back room where there was a vending machine. Shuichi was just about to read the article about him and Yuki as the nurse walked to his side. Shuichi glanced up at the nurse as he head felt like it was going to explode from his suddenly splitting headache. "Let's get you back to your room." She led him to his room and set him up. Before she left though, she inserted a syringe into his arm which made him immediately go to sleep.

-()-

The next day around noon, Shuichi woke up once again. He moaned at remembering his failed mission. He failed to escape and find Yuki. Also, he hadn't even had the chance to read the article in the paper. Shuichi turned his head to the visitor chair, hoping that there was a slight chance that Yuki would be sitting there. Shuichi didn't care if Yuki was a total asshole again, he just wanted Yuki near.

But in the visitor chair resided, not Yuki, but Shuichi's best friend Hiro. Hiro looked the same as he always did. He was the air of calmness about him and looked serious bored as Shuichi woke up. Shuichi brightened at the sight of his best friend.

"Hiro!" Shuichi yelled happily from the bed. His drugs were the only thing keeping him in one place.

"Yeah it's good to see you too Shuichi." Hiro said. Hiro looked worried as Shuichi stared at him as if he really didn't want to be there.

"Hiro I have a question!" Shuichi said. Hiro's heart sank. He knew what Shuichi was going to ask but he didn't want to be the one to tell him. Before Hiro could stop him, Shuichi started talking again. "Hiro, where's Yuki?" Hiro gulped and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath before looking at Shuichi again. Shuichi feeling of happiness of seeing Hiro and someone he knew would answer his question faded away. "Hiro?" Shuichi asked in a small voice.

"Shuichi, Yuki—Yuki's..." Hiro stuttered. This was out of character of Hiro, but he couldn't stop himself. Shuichi's look of his face was unbearable.

"Hiro what happened?" Shuichi asked. He needed to know what happened to Yuki. What had happened?

"Shuichi, Yuki's—Yuki's dead." Hiro said. Shuichi froze. "Shuichi, Yuki died." Hiro said. Shuichi looked at Hiro with mixed feelings. Shuichi convulsed at the bit of information. As he did so, his IV stand came crashing down to the ground with a giant clang. Hiro did his best to try to restrain Shuichi's movements. Shuichi looked up with revulsion at the sight of his best friend. Why had his best friend delivered news that couldn't be true? It could not be true, Yuki could not be dead...

Shuichi did the first thing that he could think of. He wanted to hurt Hiro for telling him lies. Hiro held down Shuichi's legs, as his arms were of no use. Shuichi reared up his head and bit down, hard, on one of Hiro's arms. Hiro cried out in surprise and let go of Shuichi. At the same time, three doctors ran into the room. Shuichi's attention was on Hiro and Shuichi only shifted his attention as he felt a couple needles enter his body once again forcing him into the dreaded, dreamless sleep.

-()-

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	2. A Kiss

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gravitation and references to Gravitation EX (same thing though). It's owned by Maki Murakami. Also, if no one guessed or pieced it together. Shuichi's doctor, Yukino Arima, is a reference to Kare Kano which is owned by Masami Tsuda.

-()-

Shuichi, uncharacteristically, refused to talk. He didn't utter a single word. He stopped trying to think up escape plans to get out of the hospital. Shuichi just simply stopped fighting. Every waking moment he just laid there in his hospital bed thinking about Yuki. He couldn't remember how Yuki died. He couldn't remember what had happened to his arms. He couldn't remember who had brought him to the hospital.

Shuichi took a few minutes to roll himself over. He placed his head into his pillow and silently cried. He cried for Yuki. He cried till he fell asleep.

-()-

"_Yuki!" Shuichi yelled as he ran down the hallway to their apartment. Today was a special day. It was February twenty-third which was an important day. It was Yuki's birthday. Shuichi was hyper in excitement. Yuki had told him in the morning to come home early just as K dragged Shuichi out the window for work. _

_Giddy, Shuichi fumbled with his keys as he put one in the lock. He unlocked the door and walked through. Shuichi stopped for half a second to kick off his shoes then ran to Yuki's study. Shuichi bolted through the door as he usually did and stopped short. His breath stopped completely and his heart pumped rapidly. _

_Shuichi was frozen to death as the scene that was before him. A man in all black was pointing a gun at a stunned and confused Yuki. Yuki's eyes darted from that man to Shuichi. The amber eyes met the amethyst ones and it was, for Shuichi, hard to taken them in. The amber eyes had fear and it pained Shuichi to see the novelist this way. But pained him and scared him close to death as he saw the mysterious man take out a gun and point it right where Yuki's heart was and before Shuichi could react, the trigger was pulled. _

-()-

Shuichi screamed. His body convulsed and it shook uncontrollably.

"NO!" Shuichi screamed. "YUKI!" Shuichi's doctor, Arima-sensai, ran into the room. She went next to Shuichi's bed. She took out a syringe. "No...don't please." Shuichi begged as his eyes locked onto the needle. Arima-sensai took a deep breath and put the syringe back into her coat pocket.

"Shindou-san, what's wrong?" She asked tenderly. Shuichi took two shaky breaths. He needed to know what happened to Yuki.

"W-what—what happened to Yuki?" Shuichi asked hesitantly.

"Eiri Yuki?" She asked, even though she knew that who Shuichi was referring to. Shuichi nodded. Arima-sensai ran her fingers through her long-ish red hair and sighed. "Eiri Yuki was—was shot."

"No..." Shuichi whispered shaking her head.

"I'm sorry, but that's what happened. I'm sorry." She said looking really sad. She knew from entertainment news that Shuichi really loved Yuki and that Yuki was an important person to Shuichi. Shuichi nodded and didn't say anything.

-()-

Shuichi didn't say anything for days after his doctor told him this. He laid in his bed just staring at the ceilings for hours. He kept thinking over and over, _Yuki was shot...Yuki was shot...Yuki was shot..._

Days turned into two weeks. His new nurse, Ayanami-san, was doing his regular check-up when Shuichi couldn't stand it anymore.

"Could you please turn on the TV?" Shuichi asked hoarsely from weeks without talking. His nurse turn on the TV and it was a news station. She was about to change the channel. "No this is fine." The nurse nodded and then left the room.

_Eventually they'll get to entertainment news. _Shuichi thought. He watched the new channel for minutes that felt like hours. The newscaster talked about stock market and such. Shuichi really could care less.

"In entertainment news, it is still unconfirmed when the next performance of Bad Luck will take place. There has been no interviews or appearances by any of members of Bad Luck and Tohma Seguichi refuses to comment on the matter. Bad Luck seemingly vanished after the death of twenty-eight year-old Eiri Yuki. Eiri Yuki is the famous romance novelist that has captured the heart of thousands. He was murdered on the night February twenty-third. Who killed him is still a mystery and police investigators are still searching. The whereabouts of Shuichi Shindou are unknown. It is rumored after the death of Eiri Yuki Shuichi Shindou was taken to a hospital. NG studios refuse the comment if this is true or not--" 

"Shuichi you shouldn't watch such sad things." A voice said from the doorway. Shuichi turned his head at the person.

"Sakuma-san." Shuichi said. Ryuichi turned off the TV. Then, Ryuichi walked up to the bed and sat in the visitor chair. "I thought you were working on a movie."

"I took some time off. You're more important than work, Shu-chan." Ryuichi said.

"Oh." Shuichi said as he didn't know what to say. Ryuichi looked at Shuichi with his head cocked to the side.

"Shuichi, you do know I still have my offer."

"Offer?" Shuichi asked confused.

"You know I still love you, Shuichi. Even after all these years of waiting, I still love you." Ryuichi said tenderly. He was now out of the chair and was close to Shuichi on the side of the bed. Shuichi had his heart in his throat. Shuichi remembered all too well of the experience a few years ago. Ryuichi had come one day when Rage went berserk over trying to find Ryuichi. While K was taking care of Rage, Ryuichi had confessed his love for him and telling him to forget Yuki. After this, Ryuichi had kissed him.

"Sakuma-san--" 

"Call me Ryuichi." Ryuichi interrupted. Shuichi gulped. Ryuichi was drawing in too close for comfort.

"Um...Ryuichi I--" But Shuichi was interrupted with a kiss from Ryuichi. It was soft and tender. Ryuichi slid his tongue into Shuichi's mouth and massaged Shuichi's tongue. Shuichi hated to admit it, but he kind of liked it. It wasn't because Yuki never kissed him like this, it was just an indescribable attraction to Ryuichi. Shuichi was disgusted with himself. Yuki had just died, no, murdered, and it would seem that Shuichi already moved on. Shuichi wasn't ready for this.

A muffled cry erupted from Shuichi. Ryuichi must have thought this was a moan, because he picked up his pace and used his hand to stroke the side of Shuichi's face. Shuichi wanted to push Ryuichi away but with his arms in the condition that they were in, it was no use. Shuichi couldn't do anything to stop Ryuichi.

Shuichi silently cried. He didn't want this. He wanted to get away and be with Yuki, but that was both impossible and, well, even more impossible. Ryuichi pulled away, either for air or he felt Shuichi's body tremble.

"What's wrong Shuichi?" Ryuichi asked.

"I—I want you to leave Ryuichi." Shuichi said, sniffling as his nose dripped.

"What?" Ryuichi asked, taken back.

"Please leave. I don't want you here." Shuichi said crying. "I'm not—I don't want this." Ryuichi studied Shuichi for a couple moments and then nodded.

"I'll be back though, Shuichi." Ryuichi said as he walked out the door of Shuichi's hospital room. Shuichi cried. He was confused, hurt, and just didn't know how to take this.

-()-

**A/N **Sorry this story is getting to be out slowly. I've been so busy. My birthday was yesterday, I'm trying to plan an exchange trip to Japan for next year, I have another fanfic to write too, homework, and other stuff. It just gets busy. Anyways, I work on this story when I find the time.

**Review! (**please


	3. What He Always Wanted to Say

**Dedication: **To Enzeru Chan, Mizu-Miha, alice22, darksoulreaper, lady laurannia, sayuri-girl, and twent47blue for waiting for the update. Also to anyone else who reads this story.

Shuichi didn't act crazy. He was normal, not quiet, but more like an average person. A week or two after Ryuichi's visit, the doctors started giving him physical therapy for his wrists.

A doctor massaged his wrists after a physical therapy. Shuichi cringed slightly. The past few physical therapies the feeling had come back to Shuichi's wrists. He was stiff which didn't help as he had tried to move his fingers.

The doctor left Shuichi. Shuichi sighed and leaned heavily against his propped up pillows. The only thing hooked up to Shuichi was the IV bag. Shuichi stared at his wrists. There was slash marks, which were healing, along Shuichi's wrists across the veins. The doctors had shown him the cuts a few days after Ryuichi had visited. Shuichi had assumed that after Yuki was murdered and the murder ran away, he had cut himself in depression. But the thing was, Shuichi didn't—couldn't remember.

Shuichi sighed again, his face blank. He wiggled his fingers weakly, and grimaced. His wrists burned, Shuichi shook his head, and then closed his eyes, falling into restless sleep…

-()-

_Shuichi screamed as the loud crack of the bullet firing filled his ears. Yuki's eyes widen in shock as pain ripped through his chest. _

"_YUKI!" Shuichi screamed. Yuki slumped to the ground and the murder roughly pushed past Shuichi, running toward the front door of the apartment. "YUKI!" Shuichi cried out again. He fell to his knees and crawled toward the novelist. The pink-hair man grabbed Yuki's warm, left hand. "Yu-Yuki." Shuichi panted. "Yuki answer me." Shuichi said, holding the hand close to his face. Tears dropped and trailed their way down the hand, a finger, and onto the floor. Yuki was gone. _

_Shuichi shook and he bit his lip. _

'_What am I going to do?' Shuichi asked himself. He didn't want to leave Yuki, but he hated being next the dead figure. 'Dead.' Shuichi thought. Nausea suddenly overwhelmed him. He let go Yuki's hand and ran to the kitchen. Shuichi vomited in the sink. When he was done retching, Shuichi wiped his mouth with a paper towel. _

"_What am I suppose to do next?" Shuichi whispered, looking around for an answer. He looked at the mess in the sink, the appliances, cabinets, and drawers. Shuichi walked to one of the drawers. "I can't stand being without Yuki." Shuichi said as he opened the drawer. He grabbed one of the knives. "I don't want to be without Yuki." Shuichi quickly sliced at the veins on his left wrist. Blood oozed out slowly, drenching his arm in the red liquid. Shuichi dropped the knife, fell to the ground, biting his tongue, trying to block out the pain. After resting a very minutes, he grabbed the knife in his left hand and repeated the process on the other wrist. _

_Shuichi dropped the object. Sirens rang out in the distance. Shuichi was numb from what happened to Yuki and the cutting. He ignored the pain and waited from death to take him from blood lost. Shuichi nodded off to a sleep that was calling him, wanting his life to be over. _

-()-

_So, that's what happened. _Shuichi thought as he woke up. Shuichi didn't make any commotion as he had done in the past. _Nothing to do but start over. _Shuichi decided he wasn't going to try suicide again because most likely someone would come to save him with his bad luck.

More time past. After a few more weeks of physical therapy, Shuichi could use his wrists and fingers again. He didn't have the strength to lift things as he once did. The hospital released him at his request. The medical coverage from NG and the insurance Yuki had bought him long ago covered the total cost of his hospital stay.

Shuichi stayed in a hotel the first night from the hospital. He couldn't bear what he would see back at the apartment. Before coming to the hotel, he had bought some black hair dye. In his hotel room, he dyed his hair black to make himself less distinguishing. He set up optometrist appointment to get some contacts that would make his eyes black. He didn't want to be recognized in public anymore. Shuichi couldn't—didn't want to go back to the apartment as he was afraid what the state of the apartment might be in. Would there still be blood in the kitchen? What about Yuki's study? Shuichi was more afraid of just being in the apartment alone that he and Yuki had shared. The next day he decided to call Mika.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Mika-san." Shuichi said wrapping a finger of the telephone cord. "I was wondering if you could do two things for me." Shuichi paused and took a deep breath. He ran his hand through his black hair. "I wanted to ask you if you could help me clean out the apartment and if you could tell me which cemetery Yuki's in."

"Of course, Shuichi. I'll bring Tatsuha with me. And Yuki's in a cemetery near the temple." Mika answered. Shuichi nodded thinking about how Yuki would despise being near Kyoto.

-()-

A couple days later, Shuichi met Mika and Tatsuha at the apartment. Shuichi refused to do the kitchen, Yuki's study, and their bedroom. Mika set to work on sorting through the books and files in Yuki's study. Tatsuha worked in the kitchen.

Shuichi started in the living room. He decided to sell everything except the TV, his CDs and videos of Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper. Shuichi moved on after packing the disks and video tapes in boxes. He headed for the bathroom. When he was about to set foot inside he turned to look at the shut door to their bedroom. Shuichi didn't want to go in, but his feet carried him there. He turned the doorknob and went inside.

The room was undisturbed except it was covered in a layer of dust. The bed was neatly made because Yuki liked a room spic and span. One end table had a bottle of lube from the night before Yuki was murdered.

Shuichi couldn't bring himself to take a step inside the room as he didn't want to bring any memories up. But he could bring himself to leave. It was in this room that Shuichi got to see the real Yuki; The Yuki that showed himself only to Shuichi after a sex session. It was here that Shuichi thought he heard Yuki mumble, 'I love you' a few times before Yuki had fallen asleep.

Arms wrapped themselves around Shuichi waist and a head rested on his shoulder. Shuichi jumped a few feet in the air.

"Tatsuha!" Shuichi gasped. He had not heard Tatsuha creep up behind him. Tatsuha sighed and rubbed his head on the side of Shuichi's face.

"Mmm." Tatsuha sighed in satisfaction. "I haven't seen Ryuichi in months. Shu-chan have you seen Ryu?" Shuichi's breath caught in his throat. Tatsuha had officially gotten together with Ryuichi after Shuichi and Yuki had gotten married. Tatsuha and Ryuichi had a long distance relationship as Tatsuha was a monk in Kyoto while Ryuichi was an actor in LA.

Shuichi shook his head. "Uh nuh." Shuichi said shakily. _What if Ryuichi leaves Tatsuha to come after me? _Shuichi thought.

"Hmm. Well I thought you might have seen him because sometimes he comes here just to see _you_." Tatsuha said bitterly. He knew that a few years ago Ryuichi had been willing to go to great lengths to claim Shuichi as his own, stealing him from Yuki. Tatsuha released his hold on Shuichi and walked down the hallway.

_I don't want Ryuichi to leave Tatsuha. Ryuichi will probably come after me now that Yuki is out of the way. _Shuichi thought and groaned at the thought. _In the hospital didn't Ryuichi say 'I'll be back' or something? _

Shuichi rubbed his forehead and walked back to the bathroom.

-()-

They made incredible process with packing up the apartment. Everything in the kitchen, living room, and bathroom had been sorted into keep, sell, or throw away. Mika had already packed Yuki's clothes as she wanted to keep them. Mika had taken Shuichi into the bedroom and told Shuichi to pack his clothes from the closet. While Shuichi did this, Mika searched through the room. She had found a box of play things underneath the bed but she didn't say anything; she added the bottle of lube to the box.

Mika found another box underneath the bed and opened it. It contained pictures of Shuichi and Yuki from there first date to the embarrassing Christmas photo from the N-G Christmas party from last year. Mika would have taken that embarrassing photo had Yuki been alive for blackmail against her brother. But Mika didn't feel right taking anything from the box; she placed the box with the boxes of Shuichi's clothes.

Mika left the room with a sigh. She hadn't been able to find a will. She had only taken the tedious work of Yuki's study in hopes of finding a will. Mika concluded that Yuki hadn't written one.

Shuichi filled one yet another box with some of his concert clothes. He debated what he was going to do with them as he was going to quit singing, but then he saw more boxes then he had last added one. He lifted a few and found that was very light. Shuichi opened the box and saw all the pictures.

Shuichi was stunned to see all these pictures; this wasn't his box, he had never seen this box before. Shuichi sat on the ground taking the box with him. Shuichi skimmed over the photos of him and Yuki. He chuckled at some. He got very hot at the sight of a few. He cried at the others.

Shuichi wiped what felt like the fifty billionth tear he had shed since Yuki died. A stack of photos fell as his hand drooped. Shuichi grabbed the box to see if anything was left in the box. There was a folded piece of paper. Shuichi opened it and started to read.

_Dear Shuichi or at least it should be Shuichi because no one would ever see this box besides him and a thief with no regard to leave the photos alone,_

_On this paper, I suppose you'd call this my will. Probably died from the giant panda or Shuichi's crazy American manager. Even if it wasn't that, well I'm dead anyways. Never say that I never said, 'I love you' Shuichi. Maybe I should have told you directly and not just in a daze after sex. Your precious to me Shuichi, you always were. Lies, I lied whenever I said I didn't love you, kicked you unfairly out of the apartment, and seemingly didn't care about you, but I did. The talent I said you never had, I lied about that too, you did get better at your lyrics. _

_Anyways, Shuichi, I leave everything to you. The royalties from my books, all the possessions in the apartment or wherever we live, and my laptop. _

_Shuichi, my idiot, I always loved you. Promise me Shuichi that you know that I love you. God, I'll be lonely in hell. _

_Eiri 'Yuki' Uesugi_

Shuichi had been crying since 'Dear Shuichi.' He wished Yuki would have said these things when he was alive, but Shuichi was grateful to know what Yuki had wanted to say. 

_And you're not going to hell, Yuki. _Shuichi thought. _You're going to heaven._

-()-

**A/N **I'm sooo sorry for not updating. Yesterday honestly felt like April. I do not know where I time went. I'm out of school, so this story will be continued must more quickly.

Review!


	4. Back Again

Shuichi looked at his pale complexion in the mirror of an apartment he recently got. His face was clammy as were his hands. Shuichi eyed his plain, black hair, remembering other colors he had dyed it such as pink and blonde. The man sighed and then ran a comb through his hair, despising it. Eyes stared at his back; Shuichi threw the comb then ran into the bedroom that connected to the bathroom. The eyes didn't belong to a living thing, but to Yuki's laptop. Everyone refused to take it and Shuichi couldn't bring himself to get rid of it. While glaring at the electronic device, Shuichi took his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed a number.

"Shuichi, do you know what time it is?" Hiro answered groggily. Shuichi looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. It read 4:09 AM. Time didn't mean anything to Shuichi anymore. He didn't have a job or really anything to really do with his life. He was going to need a job soon as his savings were almost all gone.

"Can I come over?" Shuichi asked while mindlessly drawing the kanji for Yuki.

"Of course." Hiro replied.

"I'll be over in a while." Shuichi said and then hung up. Shuichi sighed and then his eyes wandered over to the laptop. He glared at it for a moment before picking it up and stuffing it underneath the bed.

-()-

It was around seven in the morning now. Shuichi had tried to drown his sorrows in the shower. For an hour and a half, he had just glared at the spot on his bed where he knew the laptop rested, on the floor, beneath it.

Shuichi was waiting for a train to come along with men in suits and girls in middle school and high school uniforms. When the train came and Shuichi got on, Shuichi stood while holding onto a pole since all the seats were taken. Shuichi let his mind empty at the train rocked him back and forth.

"Does that guy look like Shuichi Shindo from Bad Luck?" A girl nearby said. Shuichi gritted his teeth and tightened his grip on the pole, turning his knuckles white.

"Same body shape and everything." Said the first girl's friend. "But he has pink hair and violet eyes."

"That doesn't mean that he couldn't dye his hair so he wouldn't be recognized."

"Yeah I suppose." The girl sighed. "It's so sad about Yuki Eiri though. I mean who'd want to murder the hottest romance novelist?" Shuichi's stop was still two stops away, but he couldn't stand to listen to the conversation of the pair of girls. Shuichi got off at the next stop and, to his frustration, so did the girls.

"Maybe we should ask the guy if he is Shuichi Shindo." One girl suggested.

"That would be rude."

"Yeah, but if it's him, we'll be the first ones to see him in months. Hey the guy is running away."

Shuichi ran. He didn't know which direction he was going nor did he care. He made his way through the maze of people getting onto the train and people leaving the train station. He got out and down a street.

_How can they talk about Yuki's death so freely? _Shuichi thought.

Shuichi ran. He had no clue where he was as he didn't get off at he right spot. Surely if he followed the street down he'd see somewhere that was familiar to him.

_All they can think is that Yuki's death is, 'so sad'? _

Shuichi ran out of energy, slowed to a walk, and then collapsed. People near him looked at him before continuing on their way.

_Yuki deserves more than that. _

Shuichi heard his stomach growl hungrily. _When was the last time I ate?_ Shuichi thought. He couldn't even remember. Shuichi just spent his time doing basically nothing. His stomach growled again. Shuichi took out his cell phone and dialed Hiro's number again.

"Shuichi? Where are you?" Hiro asked concerned.

"I don't know. I'm lost. I got off two stops to early. I can't see the street names and I—"

"Calm down Shuichi. Just stay in one place and I'll come and get you. Alright?" Hiro didn't receive an answer. "Alright? Shuichi are you there?" Fatigue had caught up to him and Shuichi had past out.

-()-

Shuichi woke from his dreamless sleep to the wonderful smell of something. Shuichi sat up and realized he was on Hiro's couch. Hiro was in the kitchen. Shuichi tried to get up but didn't have the energy.

"When was the last time you ate?" Hiro asked as he walked into the living room. He eyed his nearly anorexic friend. Shuichi had always been slender but now he was almost anorexic.

"I dunno. A couple days." Shuichi said weakly. He hated being pathetic but there was nothing he could do at the moment. He was in the dire need of food.

"Well, dinner is almost ready—"

"Dinner?" Shuichi asked. He was sure it was around breakfast when he left.

"You've been out for the past very hours." Hiro explained.

"Oh." Shuichi yawned and then started to mindless stare at a wall. Hiro stared at his friend and shook his head. If he hadn't known this was Shuichi he probably would have thought it was a whole other person; Shuichi was so changed.

-()-

Shuichi and Hiro ate dinner in silence. It wasn't an extravagant meal, but it was enough to stop Shuichi's hunger. Shuichi prodded a piece of broccoli with his chopsticks.

"Hiro, I'm really sorry for everything." Shuichi burst out. He couldn't stand the silence and he couldn't stand that it was his fault the Bad Luck no longer existed. Hiro gave him a confused look. "I'm sorry for being the reason why Bad Luck doesn't exist anymore. I'm sorry for taking for job. I'm sorry that I pushed you to be in the band in high school when you could have became a doctor. I'm sorry—"

"Shuichi!" Hiro interrupted. "It's not your fault. I'm glad you made me be in Bad Luck. It was a blast. I don't blame you. I don't expect you to make yourself try to make Bad Luck to work. Shuichi you don't have to push yourself." Tears streamed from Shuichi's eyes and he pushed back his seat to run and give Hiro a hug. "It's alright, Shuichi. You don't have to push yourself; you don't have to try so hard. You're not alone. I'm always here for you." Hiro felt Shuichi take a shuddering breath. "It's alright."

"Thank you for so much." Shuichi muttered.

-()-

After Hiro cleaned the dishes while Shuichi tried to calm himself. Hiro approached Shuichi. "You're welcome to stay here for tonight Shuichi." Shuichi nodded mindlessly. Hiro stared at his friend and then sighed as he turned to go to his bedroom.

"Hiro!" Shuichi called. Hiro turned around. "Actually, could we go for a drink?" Hiro thought of the past times Hiro and Shuichi went drinking. Shuichi usually ended up wasted leaving Hiro to drag Shuichi home or being next to Shuichi as the singer barfed. But a couple drinks to clear Shuichi's mind might be good for him.

"Sure."

-()-

The first drink did nothing. The second numbed his mind. The third everything started to grow fuzzy, but a good fuzzy. The fourth, he felt relaxed. Fifth, comfortable for the first time in months. Sixth, sick to his stomach.

"Hiroshi, Ima going fu the raft room." Shuichi slurred as he got up and swayed for a second before making the journey to the bar's bathroom. Hiro nodded in acknowledgement and looked at his beer; he was only on his second. Shuichi had just downed his beers. He looked around as saw a girl staring at him. When she noticed his gaze, she quickly turned away. Hiro smiled at the prospect of maybe getting lucky then the smile melted as he remembered Shuichi and the care he'd need.

"Nakano!" A voice yelled from across the bar. Hiro shrunk in his seat. He knew the booming voice anywhere. It belonged to a tall, scary, blonde American. K sat in a bar stool next to Hiro. K had brought along a friend, Sakuma Ryuichi.

"K-san. Sakuma-san." Hiro acknowledged while silently cursing himself for not going with Shuichi.

"Drinking alone?" K asked after he got himself a drink.

"No." Hiro said, still cursing himself. "Shuichi's here with me—"

"Shuichi?" Ryuichi questioned, his ears perked up. "Where is he?"

"Vomiting in the bathroom—" Before Hiro could even finish Ryuichi was gone in a flash. K wrapped an arm around Hiro's shoulder.

"So, Hiro-kun—"

"Don't even start." Hiro said, cutting K off. When K gave him a confused look he said, "We're over K. We never really started though—"

"Well, let's start now." K suggested and then his lips grazed Hiro's neck. Hiro turned his head away; any chances with the girl that was eyeing him were diminished. Some people in the bar stared at them.

"K you have a wife and kid. You shouldn't do this." Hiro said pulling away.

"Playing the marriage card, Hiro-kun? That's a first." K commented, grabbing Hiro's arm and started to walk to the exit. "If you know that it didn't bother me earlier then it won't bother me now." K unlocked the car door and pushed Hiro in. As K walked around the car, Hiro tried to open the door.

"Why is the child lock on?" Hiro asked as K put his keys into the ignition.

"So, you can't escape." K stated.

"Oh so it's kidnapping _and_ rape this time? Oh fun." Hiro said sarcastically even though he hadn't gotten any lately; so, he wasn't going to complain too terribly much. As K started to drive away, he asked, "What about Ryuichi?"

"He's a big boy. He can handle himself and besides Shuichi's with him."

"Oh that's a huge reassurance." Hiro sighed and then his eyes widened. Ryuichi was with Shuichi. Shuichi didn't want Ryuichi around. Ryuichi probably wouldn't listen. "K, stop the car!"

"What's wrong?"

-()-

After Shuichi finished retching, he wiped his mouth with a paper towel. He stared at himself in the cracked, dirty mirror the hung in front of an even dirtier sink. Shuichi looked terrible, but Shuichi didn't register the fact; he just swayed on the spot.

"Better go gu Hiro." Shuichi muttered. He turned around, a little too quickly, and he fell onto an income person. "Sorry." Shuichi said automatically. The man wore an old leather jacket with a navy blue tee-shirt, black pants, and plain black sneakers. The guy, he had pushed, looked at Shuichi and his eyes narrowed.

"I thought you learned your lesson, punk." The guy growled. Before Shuichi could register what that man had said or even say,'excuse me?,' the man punched Shuichi in the jaw with such force that Shuichi recoiled onto the ground. Blood started fill up Shuichi's mouth. Shuichi didn't know what to do nor even think about defending himself. The man grabbed a hand full of Shuichi's shirt and lifted the light, ex-singer off the ground. Shuichi's body hit the wall as the man roughly shoved him into it. "Huh? Didn't you learn your lesson? Answer me!"

"I fink you have the wrong person." Shuichi answered weakly. Shuichi coughed blood splattered onto his assaulter's face.

"Shuichi!" Ryuichi called in his childish voice at he entered the bathroom. "Where are you? Are you playing hide and seek? Kuma and me will find you!" Ryuichi was ignored completely.

"Maybe this will trigger your memory." Shuichi's assaulter said as he held Shuichi up with one hand while the other traveled into his leather jacket and took out a gun. Shuichi looked at it with his eyes wide. He recognized it; it was what killed Yuki.

"Leave Shuichi alone!" Ryuichi screamed. Ryuichi ran at Shuichi' assaulter, leaving Kumagoro forgotten on the ground. Ryuichi tried to wrestle the gun out of its owner's hand. The man dropped Shuichi and waved the gun around, trying to get Ryuichi to let it go.

In the confusion, the trigger was pulled. The bullet met its mark. The person's eyes went lifeless as the person fell to the ground.

-()-

**A/N **So sorry for how late this chapter came! My list of excuses: finishing my other story with had 110,000+ words, on vacation being three states away, get distracted, and reading the seventh Harry Potter book which I have finished by the way.

Everyone likes a little Kiro (K x Hiro) right? Sorry if you don't. -.-' This chapter will probably be the only mention of it.

Don't know when the next chapter is coming, hopefully soon. Review!


	5. A New Comfort, Yet an Old Suicide Method

Ryuichi fell to the ground. The bullet had gone through his right hand and into his chest. There was a hole a couple centimeters below the singer's index finger. Blood oozed out of the hand, staining the hand, while still showing white bone. His chest, like his hand, gave out blood and the blood was wetting Ryuichi's blue shirt and overcoat.

"Sakuma-sa--!"

"Shut it!" The man wielding the gun shouted. He looked at Ryuichi for a second before turning back to Shuichi. "Or you'll be next." Shuichi looked, with his tear-stained face, at the unknown man. The bathroom door opened and a few drunkards looked in, curious over the gun shot. "Get out and you didn't see nothin'. The drunkards were real quick about leaving.

The man returned to Shuichi after the door had shut behind the intruders. "Now this never happened. Got it?" Shuichi looked blankly at the man. "Do you get it?! Hey!" He grabbed Shuichi's short hair and pulled him off the ground. Shuichi grimaced. "Do you understand? Or are you just an idiot?" As the man said, 'idiot' he hit Shuichi on top of the head with the gun. 'Idiot' sunk into Shuichi as he remembered all those times Yuki had repeatedly called him one.

Uncontrollable anger welled up in Shuichi. The pink-haired ex-singer thrust himself at the man and grabbed his neck, digging his fingernails into the man's flesh. The man was surprised by Shuichi's action. Shuichi took advanced of the situation by knocking the gun out of the man's hand. The gun slid across the tiled floor.

"Don't---say---that!" Shuichi puffed; unable to control his speak well as his voice cracked. Shuichi dug his fingernails deep into the man's neck and they slammed into the wall. The unknown man's face began to turn a light shade of purple. "You killed Yuki! You killed him! WHY?! WHY?!" Just as the man started to turn dark purple, someone grabbed Shuichi around the waist. Shuichi's fingers slackened from their grip. "STOP!" Shuichi yelled, trying to hit the person holding him. "He killed---he killed…Yuki." Shuichi flailed and in the process, he kicked Yuki's murderer in the jaw with a crack.

"Shuichi, calm down." Shuichi couldn't tell who the voice belonged to. He was sure it was the person who restrained him. Shuichi broke down. He never expected to see Yuki's killer. He never expected Sakuma to get hurt or most than likely be dead. He never expected to lose two people that were a huge part of his life. Shuichi stared at the man who was trying to catch his breath.

"I killed him because he deserved it, kid." The man gave out a psychotic laugh. "So, did he for getting in the way." The man added while nodding toward Ryuichi. Shuichi looked at Ryuichi. K was bent over the usually hyper thirty-something year old singer. K had his cell phone out, no doubt calling 911. K took off his usual white button shirt and put it lightly on the wound in Ryuichi's chest. K could nothing more for Ryuichi, he turned the the man who was chuckling softly at the sight at Ryuichi.

"Hey, foreigner." The man said, addressing K. "He deserved it. He got in the—"

K punched the man in the already broken jaw. K grabbed the man's jacket and shook it violently making the killer's head crack on the wall. K then proceeded to punch the man in the jaw again.

"I'll see that you die." K said, pointing one of his own gun's at the man's head. The next thing Shuichi saw was blackness surrounding him.

-()-

Shuichi woke to the sound of birds chirping and to a white ceiling. Shuichi lay in a plain room that had just a bed. He didn't know what to do, so he simply just laid there. _Is Sakuma dead? _

"…needs to be surrounded by four padded walls. That's what he needs. He doesn't need cell. His lover was murdered. A friend nearly died." Shuichi realized whoever this person—a women—was just behind a door to his room. "He's not right in the mind anymore. Solitary confinement will do him good."

"He assaulted another man. He nearly killed the man too. Almost strangling the other guy, Mr. Takahashi, to death. He can have all the solitary confinement he need behind bars." Another voice contradicted.

"You seem to forget. Shindo was trying to protect himself. If he didn't, there's a chance he could be dead—"

"But it doesn't matter now does it, Rizu? My authority is above yours." The second voice opened the door. The second voice belonged to a man who was cleanly shaven, plain in appearance and was an officer. The woman was a doctor in a white overcoat. The officer walked to Shuichi's bedside and roughly grabbed one of Shuichi's scarred wrists and dragged him off the bed. The man started to handcuff Shuichi. "Shindo-san you have the right—" At that moment, the window exploded and glass shards went flying.

"Let go of him, or do you wish to die an early death?" Out of the window, K entered. He had his magnum on his back with a pistol in each hand.

"You have no authority—"

"I may not, but I have things that have influence." K interrupted, waving one of his guns. "Now, uncuff Shindo or you shall meet the force of Americans."

-()-

Shuichi didn't go to jail nor a one way trip to a mental hospital. He was put on probation. Hiro took Shuichi under his wing, insisting he live with him. Shuichi didn't complain, he knew it was just because Hiro questioned Shuichi's sanity and his ability to be alone; Shuichi didn't care, everyone thought he couldn't help himself.

The world seemed to press on him even more when he was surrounded by people. It was suffocating Shuichi. At times when it was too much, Shuichi would use his razor to slice at his wrists. No one knew he did it; he always just covered up the old scars and the new ones with a think cloth wristband.

-()-

Hiro often went with Shuichi to see Ryuichi. Shuichi insisted on going to see Ryuichi at least one everyday. Ryuichi was in critical condition. The bullet missed his heart by inches and missed a lung by a few centimeters. The bullet had shattered a rib completely, causing internal bleeding which required Ryuichi to get a blood transfusion every couple hours. As for Ryuichi's hand, they had had to amputate the singer's index finger on his right hand as the bullet had gone through several major nerves. Ryuichi might even need to get his whole hand amputated so they could give him a prosthetic hand with the nerves rebuilt.

Shuichi sat on the left side of Ryuichi. Shuichi never said anything to Ryuichi or Hiro. He just sat there doing nothing, not even thinking. But during most of the visiting sessions, Shuichi looked guilty.

"If—if I never went drinking that night or at least gotten drunk or didn't go in the bathroom, then wouldn't have happened. It's my fault. I basically killed him." Shuichi whispered the last sentence. Hiro was in the room, which was usual as he usually left Shuichi alone with Ryuichi during the visits.

"It's not your fault at all." Hiro said giving his best friend a hug. "It's not your fault at all."

"But if we never went to the bar—"

"Shuichi, what happened, happened. There's nothing you can do, unless you have a pocket time machine that you forgot to tell me about. But besides that, you can't do anything."

"I---I---" Shuichi tried to say, his voice cracking and tears spilling down his face. "I feel like I've killed him though. I never returned his feelings. I gave him this fate. He might even lose a hand because of me. I can't live with that. I _can't_. I'd rather die." Hiro hit Shuichi hard on the head.

"Don't talk like that." Shuichi couldn't tell if Hiro meant to say it as a command or what, but Shuichi just didn't know how to deal with anything anymore.

"Hiro!" Shuichi wailed turning to face his friend fully and wrapping his around the red head's waist. "I just don't know how to face anything anymore. But I don't see the point in living anymore though." Hiro rapped Shuichi hard on the head. "I really don't." Shuichi whispered, closing his eyes in the warm embrace.

Later that night, Shuichi added two fresh, deep cuts to his left wrist and one to his right.

-()-

**A/N ** Anyone need tissue? –passes out virtual Kleenex- I know I do. Oh, 'Sleepless Beauty' just came on my iPod right now. I just feel like an emotional wreck right now. (Don't mind me).

Sorry for taking so long to update,

Review!


	6. The Reason of the Murder

Shuddering as blood ran down his arm and water from the showerhead washed it off and it pooled around the drain. Shuichi turned the water off then got out of the shower. He picked up a blue towel he had set out by the sink and pressed the cloth against his wrist; it burned. Shuichi didn't grimace at the pain; he cut himself so often that it was as natural breathing. Shuichi put on black wristbands to cover up his scars before drying himself and getting ready for another bleak day.

-()-

"Hiro, I'm going out." Shuichi said passing by Hiro's room. Hiro opened his bedroom door and grabbed Shuichi's wrist. Shuichi winced at the contact, at the touch of his wrists. Hiro noticed.

"What's wrong?" Hiro asked, as he started to try to pull off a wristband.

"Nothing!" Shuichi said, jumping backward out of reach. "Nothing at all. Anyway, I'm going out." Shuichi stated, watching Hiro carefully. He knew if Hiro found out his cut wrists, Hiro would do something like send him to a mental hospital for help or something.

"Where?"

"To the prison." Shuichi stated. Hiro looked at Shuichi.

"I don't think that's a good idea—"

"Hiro, I need to talk to that guy." Shuichi said, trembling slightly. "He—I just need to know why."

"I'll come with you—"

"No, just let me go alone. I can handle myself. I don't need a caretaker. I know you're just taking care of me because you think I'll do suicide." Shuichi said, as a tear slid down his face. Shuichi ran to the front door and ran out of Hiro's apartment before Hiro could say anything.

-()-

"I want to see Takahashi-san, please." Shuichi told an officer, remembering another officer saying Yuki's murderer's name a few weeks ago. The officer nodded and then showed Shuichi to visitor's side of a glass window that visitors could talk to prisoners through telephones.

After a few minutes, Yuki's murderer—Takahashi-san— sat in front of Shuichi on ther other side of the glass, having been pushed in the seat by an officer. Takahashi looked horrible. He had a black eye, pale face, a bandage wrapped around his head from K knocking his head into a wall, and he had black and blue fingernail prints all along his neck. He wore an orange uniform.

Takahashi picked up the phone and looked blankly at Shuichi. "What the hell do you want?"

"I—I want to know why you killed Yuki." Shuichi said trying to keep his composure.

"Why?" Takahashi asked with a slight smile as if he enjoyed Shuichi in distress.

"Because you're the fucker who killed him! Just tell me the why!" Takahashi yawned and then looked at Shuichi, blinking a few times. Anger pulsed in Shuichi's veins and Shuichi's knuckles whitened as he squeezed the phone tightly.

"Because he cost me my wife."

"What?" Shuichi questioned.

"My wife left me because of him. My wife was beautiful, intelligent woman. We were having a happy life and were expecting a child. Then she left me a year ago. She said that after an affair with Eiri Yuki made her realize that she didn't need me. She left me to go live back to her home town. Eiri Yuki took my wife and child from me. That bastard—"

"Shut up!" Shuichi said angrily. "That's not—"

"That's what happened. That's the truth. Your precious Eiri Yuki had an affair with my wife—"

"That's not true! Stop lying!" Shuichi shouted, tears welling up in his eyes. Yuki had been faithful after they had gotten married around four years ago. _Yuki would never… not after we got married. _Shuichi thought. _That's not true…Yuki would never…_

"If you don't believe me, go see my ex-wife. She'll be in Kyoto. Her maiden name is Mei Pomeno. Go talk to her. She'll tell you the exact same thing—" Shuichi slammed he telephone down and ran. _I can't—I don't want to believe that Yuki—Yuki—_

-()-

"Well, I won't see you for a while." Shuichi said to the figure in front of him. He was in Ryuichi's hospital room. Ryuichi was still in his bad condition and out cold. "I'll be in Kyoto looking for a Mei Pomeno and I'll visit Yuki's gra—well you know." Shuichi placed a hand over Ryuichi's left one. "I'll be back." Before Shuichi knew what he was doing, Shuichi placed a light kiss on the hand Ryuichi's that he was holding. Shuichi let go of the hand quickly, surprised that he even did that. "Bye." Shuichi said awkwardly, before leaving.

-()-

Shuichi threw a bunch of his possessions into a duffle bag. He didn't care what it was, he just wanted to leave so he could get to Kyoto as quick as possible. He put clothes, spare wristbands, personal accessories, and the like, into his bag. Shuichi looked around to see if he was forgetting anything. He looked in one of the dresser drawers and came face to face with Yuki's laptop.

Shuichi jumped at the sight of the electronic device. He always had the feeling it was staring at him. Unsure of what to do, Shuichi touched it with one finger and flinched at its ice cold surface. Shuichi quickly grabbed the laptop, it seemed to burn his fingers, and stuffed it in his duffle bag, not caring if it broke. Shuichi zipped the duffle bag, with difficulties; Shuichi always had the habit of over packing.

-()-

Shuichi boarded a bus that was heading to Kyoto. It was the first thing in the morning and there weren't many passengers. Shuichi took a seat by the window and placing his duffle bag on the seat beside him, so that no one would sit next to him. As the bus started to the leave the transit station, Shuichi remembered the moments before he left Hiro's apartment.

_Shuichi quickly and quietly left his room holding his duffle bag. He went to the kitchen and went to the fridge. He went to the small white board and started to write the message with a black felt tip pen,_

'_I've left for Kyoto. It's past due for me visiting Yuki's grave. I'm also going to see Mei Pomeno. I need to ask her a few questions. I'll be back as soon as possible, Shuichi'_

_Popping the pen on its clip that held it to the white board, Shuichi took a second to stare at the message to see if it was alright. After giving a last look at the apartment, Shuichi walked to the front door and exited Hiro's apartment. _

After recollecting how he left, Shuichi realized he was on the outskirts of Tokyo heading south to Kyoto. Sighing, Shuichi closed his eyes and let the bus's jerks and jumps, somehow, lull him to sleep.

-()-

_Shuichi _woke as the bus made its stop in Kyoto. Shuichi got off the bus and looked around. He had never been to Kyoto and he didn't know really what he was expecting. Walking around with his duffle bag, Shuichi looked for the nearest pay phone to call Mika and ask which cemetery Yuki was in. As the ex-singer spotted one he walked over to it, feeling like he was in a dream like trance.

Shuichi dialed Mika's number after putting a few fifty yen coins in. Mika didn't answer. Shuichi sighed then grabbed the dirty and torn phonebook from below. He looked up cemeteries in the yellow pages. There was a good size list of them in the Kyoto area. Shuichi's eyes gravitated to the sight of one that wasn't that from the bus station where he was at. For some reason, Shuichi felt that Yuki was there. Shuichi ripped the page out and headed for the cemetery.

Shuichi swam his way through the crowds. The tide of people pushing him in what he hoped was the direction of the cemetery. Before Shuichi knew where he was, the crowd seemed to just push him out in front of the cemetery. Shuichi eyes were foggy as tears started to well up.

_Should I really see Yuki? He might have cheated on me with Mei Pomeno. I—I don't know anymore. _Shuichi thought. His feet had a mind of its own. They started to walk through the cemetery gates and it walked around tombstones looking for Yuki's. _I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it! I don't--! _His feet stopped in front of a tombstone that read,

"Eiri Uesugi 1973- 2001 'May his soul rest peacefully without his sensei.'"

Shuichi broke down. He dropped to his knees and threw the overstuffed duffle bag to the side. Shuichi never had a religion but he put his head to the ground that covered Yuki's casket and prayed to some god, any god and wish Yuki a good afterlife.

Shuichi felt that was disrespecting Yuki by touching the ground the separated himself from his lover. Shuichi quickly got up and took a few steps back. Shuichi pulled off his wristbands and looked at the scarred cuts he had given himself. He showed his forearms to Yuki's tombstone.

"I'm sorry Yuki. This," indicating to his wrists, "is out of character for me. I'm sorry. I just—I didn't know what to do. This seems to help a little bit. I want to be with you. I don't care if I have to die to be with you. I just want to be with you. I'm—just so sorry." Shuichi grabbed a tuft of grass in front of him and leaned down and wept. "I'm sorry, Yuki."

"Is all you do is apologize?" A voice asked behind Shuichi. Shuichi turned quickly to see the famous singer, Sakuma Ryuichi. "Shuichi, he's dead and gone, yet you're still apologizing?" Ryuichi took a few steps toward Shuichi while Shuichi scooted back. "Shuichi, I know Yuki is a part of you, but he's gone. You're not. You're alive, make yourself happy." Ryuichi extended a hand out to Shuichi. "Shuichi, I still open my arms to you. Do you still refuse?" Shuichi trembled as he stared at his idol.

_No, I can't! I would be cheating on Yuki! _Shuichi yelled in his mind.

"_But Yuki cheated on you with Mei Pomeno._" A voice said in Shuichi's mind.

_Two wrongs don't make a right!_

"_But you're thinking of accepting his—Ryuichi's offer. That's why you thought, 'No, I can't!'" _

_I—I didn't mean that—I—I—_Shuichi broke down. He crumbled into a ball shape with his face smothered in the _grass_.

"Hello?" Someone said, shaking Shuichi. "Hello?" Shuichi opened his eyes and saw he was still on the bus which had stopped in a bus station. He had his legs in the seat in fetal position. His throat was sore and clothes stuck to Shuichi's skin as his whole body was covered in sweat.

_It—it was a dream. Just a dream. _Shuichi thought.

"Mister, are you alright?" Shuichi looked and saw that a girl, that looked to be eight or nine, had been shaking him. Shuichi looked at the innocent girl and then nodded before her mother came to her and scolded the little girl for talking to strangers.

-()-

**A/N **Um…yeah… I don't really have anything expect Yuki's birth date and death date on the tomb it's the real one. I just subtracted 23 years from when Gravitation was first published and in my story Yuki was murdered at age 28. So, that's where I got the dates.

_Review_!


	7. Media

Shuichi wiped the sweat off his brow before grabbing his stuff with a big breath and exit the bus. The ex-singer saw something that he wasn't expecting, Mika. Mika stood there waiting for him. She stood there in a black dress with her long brown hair and beside her was a little boy of around five. The five year old had blonde hair that he had inherited from his father, Tohma, and had the brown eyes of the Uesugi family. Shuichi shuddered involuntarily as he looked at the boy's appearance; the boy looked like a mini-Yuki.

It was too much for Shuichi to handle. So, the ex-singer simply ran. He ran away from the confrontation that would happen if he stayed. Mika would try to comfort him over Yuki's…death. She would ask about the wristbands and if she found out that he cut himself, then she'd try to get him help. Shuichi did not want that at all. All he wanted was to find Mei Pomeno ask her about Yuki and then die. Whether to die just to be relieved that Yuki hadn't been unfaithful or to die to be able to ask Yuki why he had been unfaithful.

The ex-pink haired singer thought that he heard Mika call but he did not stop. There was no point to live anymore except to find Mei Pomeno. Then, what else did Shuichi have? Nothing. Yuki was most of Shuichi's life, but since he had stopped singing, Yuki now occupied all of Shuichi's life.

_You're alive, make yourself happy. _In his nightmare, that's what Ryuichi had said. But what made Shuichi happy was being with Yuki. Yuki was dead. Then the only solution to be with Yuki would be to be dead too. Shuichi had tried suicide once, but someone had saved him. Would someone save him again when he didn't want it?

Shuichi stopped, panting. He had no energy left. He had lost Mika while he had been running aimlessly. He now stood on a street that there weren't many people. There were shops but they were closed or boarded up. Shuichi walked along till he saw a payphone. He didn't make a call; he didn't need to. Shuichi picked up the phonebook and began to rifle through the yellow pages. When he found a small advertisement for exactly want he wanted he tore it out and then the map of Kyoto in the phonebook.

It was late afternoon before Shuichi reached his destination by foot. It wasn't in the better part of Kyoto. The small office was battered and the, once egg-shell, paint was peeling. The sign, saying the name of the person of worked in the dingy office, pale and scratched up hung sideways on the rusty metal door. In barely readable type, the sign read, "Hiroki Ishiama, Private-eye."

Shuichi opened the door and the inside looked as bad as the outside. The ex-singer's thoughts drifted to the old movies with private-eyes but Shuichi didn't smile nor even get a warm feeling inside of his ice cold body.

The chair behind the desk was facing away from him so he could see the detective. Shuichi sighed at the corniness as the person swiveled his chair around. The detective wore a low quality suit. His hair was short, but messy. The private-eye couldn't be more than twenty one years old.

"What can I do for you?" The young detective asked.

"I need to find Mei Pomeno." Shuichi said simply. He thought about how he'd pay and remembered Yuki had left him the royalties to his romance novels. If finding Mei Pomeno was the last thing he ever did, then at least part of it could be used for something. "I'll pay well."

The detective gave a sly grin and asked, "How much?"

"250,000 yen or 500,000 if you're real quick about finding her." Shuichi stated. He had never even thought of spending that much on one transaction before, but it wasn't like he couldn't afford it; Yuki had millions of yen to his name.

"_You_ have that much?" The detective asked suspicious. Shuichi's overall experience didn't scream that he had money like that.

"Yes." Shuichi opened an eye and pulled out the contact that made his eyes black and did the same with the other eye. Shuichi then pulled out his ID. In the ID picture, Shuichi was doing a ridiculous stance and had slapped on a huge grin. It was taken a few years ago and Shuichi had his pink hair and violet eyes. Shuichi showed Hiroki Ishiama the ID. The young man looked from the ID to Shuichi, clearly noticing the resemblance. "I'm Shuichi Shindo."

"Shindo?" The man repeated. "No one's seen you for what about a year now--"

"Just find Mei Pomeno." Shuichi said.

"How shall I contact you when I find her?"

"Cell." Shuichi said. He took a paper and pen off the desk and wrote down his cell. "And be quick about finding her if you could." Shuichi walked out the door and the detective pondered on a thought.

_If I were to track his cell, and then give the address to the press. I could make more than what Shindo is offering…Or I could call Shuichi with the information he wants get my money _and_ give his address the media. It will be a win-win situation. _

-()-

Shuichi checked into an average hotel, went to his average room, and did what average people do in hotel rooms; flop down on the bed and turned on the TV. After flipping through all the channels for the fourth time, his cell rang.

"Hello?" Shuichi said answering it.

"Hiroki Ishiama. I have information about Mei Pomeno."

"Already?!"

"Yes. I'll meet you at the café on Sakura in half hour, alright? And bring the money." The detective hung up on Shuichi and Shuichi was just dumbfounded. The detective already had information on Mei Pomeno?

Shuichi shook his head before getting put together. The café that Ishiama had been talking about was close to Shuichi's hotel. Shuichi stopped by the bank to get the money before entering the café. Ishiama was already there and sitting at a table. He waved at Shuichi and he came over to the table.

"So, Mei Pomeno lives near the business district and here's her phone number." The detective gave him all the information on a piece of paper.

"This sure was quick. Is the information legit?" Shuichi questioned.

"Yes, Mei Pomeno is well known in Kyoto."

"What does she do?"

"Oh, she's on TV. So, it's not that hard to find her." The detective said.

"Well, I guess here's your money. Thank you for the information." Shuichi bowed his head slightly.

"My pleasure." Shuichi started to head out of the café when he turned around.

"Oh, and use some of that money to fix up your office."

"I will do." Shuichi exited the café. Hiroki Ishiama smiled, satisfied. He would just call the television company and negotiate the price for where Shuichi was. He wouldn't go below one point five million yen. "Not bad for a day's work if I do say so myself." He muttered underneath his breath. He looked at the cheap Rolex. _I'll give him an hour to get settle in his hotel room. _

-()-

Shuichi took at shower after coming back from the café. He wanted to look good for what could be the last thing he ever did in his life. It was too tempting not to use his razor on his wrists again.

As Shuichi got out of the shower he let the blood run down his arm as he dried his hair. A knock came from the front door. "Shit." Shuichi said under his breath. He grabbed his shorts off the floor and put them on. He grabbed a towel and wiped as much blood as he could before putting on a wristband. The knocking continued. "One moment!" Shuichi couldn't find his other wristband. "Fuck." Shuichi muttered. He grabbed a towel and wrapped that around his wrist. The knocking came more insistently. "Coming!" Shuichi said not even bothering with a shirt. The hand that was holding the towel on his wrist left for a second to pull open the door before putting it back on the white towel.

As soon as the door was opened, a camera was shoved in Shuichi's face and a reporter started to ask him questions.

"All we hear from N-G is no comment. Do you plan to go back to Bad Luck and sing again? How do you feel after Yuki-sama's death—" Shuichi lift an arm in attempt to push the camera away and as he did so the now blood soaked towel fell to the ground the camera got a good shot of Shuichi's cut wrists.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Shuichi screamed, slamming the door shut. He used every lock on the door to keep them out. Shuichi fell to his knees and cried his heart out while gripping his wrist feeling a burning sensation on the sensitive flesh. Shuichi cried out in agony. The ex-singer grabbed his duffle bag and threw it at the door where people were continuingly knocking. He heard something crack. Running to the bag and ripping it open, searching for what had broken. It had been Yuki's laptop; the screen was now cracked right down the center.

Tears spilling from his face, he picked it up and hugged it to his chest. "I'm sorry, Yuki. Oh, god. I'm sorry." Trembling, Shuichi turned it on. The screen still worked but it was all pixel-ly. Shuichi signed on to the guest account since he didn't know Yuki's password. Shuichi immediately opened the main writing program on the computer and started to type. He typed about everything that happened since Yuki had died. He didn't care about all the spelling and grammar mistakes he did. He just needed to saying all about it and this was his option at the moment.

_This'll turn out to be crap. _A voice said in Shuichi's head. It sounded like Yuki.

"It will not." Shuichi said, laughing for the first time in a long, long while. "I can write. It just won't be as good as yours." Shuichi didn't even know how he could do this. His hands were flying over the keys at a speed he couldn't do, it was like he was possessed by something--some_one_ else. Shuichi cried and his nose got runny but his hands wouldn't let him stop. The only thought he thought was: 'how much power does the laptop have left? It'll turn off soon.'

Shuichi saved the file as he finished. He had written eighteen pages in an hour and a half. Shuichi couldn't believe he managed to accomplish that and no one probably would. Tired, Shuichi climbed into the bed, clutching the laptop close to his chest.

-()-

**A/N **This chapter made me cry. I don't know about you. For this story, I'm thinking about two more chapters. One being the next chapter and then an epilogue. Don't even ask how I'm going to wrap this up in two chapters.

Anyways, _Review!_


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